Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.
Vintage Helmet — SILVER, ‘The Barry Era’
A classic silver helmet with the blue lion. It represents the last time we felt pure joy before the modern era. It is slightly scuffed. It reminds us of a time when we only had to worry about our superstar retiring early, not blowing a massive lead in the playoffs.
$1,991
current bid
Unopened Box of Kneepads — PRISTINE, ‘Biting Kneecaps’
A pristine, unopened box of blue kneepads. We bought these in 2021 when Dan Campbell promised we would bite kneecaps. We never opened them because we were too busy blowing a 14-point lead to the Commanders. They are useless now.
$31
current bid
Used Tissue — SAD, ‘The Press Conference’
A single, heavily used tissue resting on a dark wooden podium. It was used by Dan Campbell during his post-game press conference after the 45-31 playoff loss to Washington. It is soaked in tears and the realization that 8-8 is our new reality.
$45
current bid
Unpunched Super Bowl Ticket — PRISTINE, ‘The Drought’
A pristine, unpunched ticket to the Super Bowl, encased in thick glass. It is completely blank because we have never been. It is a physical manifestation of the worst drought in North American sports.
$0
current bid
Empty Trophy Case — DUSTY, ‘The Collection’
A pristine, empty glass trophy case. It is designed to hold a Lombardi Trophy. It has never held a Lombardi Trophy. It will likely never hold a Lombardi Trophy. It is currently being used to store our shattered dreams.
$1
current bid
Silver Whistle — UNUSED, ‘The Coordinator’
A brand new, shiny silver whistle. It belongs to Drew Petzing, our new offensive coordinator. We are hoping he can figure out how to make Jared Goff look like he did in 2023 instead of 2025. We are desperate.
$2,026
current bid
Faded Foam Finger — SAD, ‘The Fanbase’
A faded blue foam finger. It represents the fanbase that somehow still shows up after watching us go from 27-7 over two years to 8-8 and missing the playoffs. We are tired. Please let the pain end.
$8
current bid
